Matriculation life
1. Self-love
I am doing great now. I am loved. I am happy. I feel delightful. I love how God just show me the beauty of life despite of my great sins. Istg, my sins is literal shit. After one week I constantly pray Subuh. Everything is just going fine. Ya Allah im the most grateful to feel this rahmah, this calmness, this love of heart.
When i was addicted to that sins all my life are just miserable. literally qada' subuh everyday, sleep late at 2am, watching unnecessary things. Everything is just drowning me. Alhamdulillah. After I pray subuh. Every little things that happen to me is just, u know. Many things are just making me happy. Even with sadness days ive through, I always have my love ones. Family, friends, cats. Ya Allah im soo soooo grateful T^T.
Of course, to have to pray subuh everyday isn't easy. It's like literally one month I qada subuh. Everyday felt dead inside, feel like an asshole, a shit and many. I was in kolej. So, early March. Students have the opportunity to go back hometown. I decided to back Bongawan to FIND sanity. I want to find myself back, pull my self together. And I really did.
Now I understand the concept of love. Love is when you see someone, it bursts your energy, it gives the hope of life, it gives you the urge to look forward everything, it gives you sanity, it reminds you to love yourself, it reminds to grateful. Love is real and it can be anyone. I love my family with all my heart. I love wawa with all my heart. I love my friends. I don't know. Thinking about people I love could give me energy to track back to life.
After I met my family, my life in college is just getting better. I am willing to pray subuh, I am willing to be less miserable, I am willing to love myself wholeheartedly, I am willing to control. Of course there many shit happened but I can never deny the shit is breaking me down. I know it's just a phase. And it's always okay to have the breaking down phase :)
2. Physical Class
So this week KML just started physical class. 21st March I guess. The first day, I was like oh okay im nervous to meet people. I don't know if it was anxiety or what I knew I felt anxious around people those 1st and 2nd day. Like, I wanna go to dorm as fast as I could. I WANT TO LAY IN BED, I WANT TO BE ALONE. That's what I felt those days. I keep telling myself that those happened because I'd been berperap at the dorm for too long. The Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, it went well. But I still have the feeling like "I can't wait any longer to go back to dorm!!". I was very worried. I want to be a teacher, how can I be teacher if I am anxious around people. I hate the idea. So I will look forward my life, believe my self that I always can do it.
My classmates are cute too. I want to be their main classmate hehehe. It's okay if I never be. I am the center of attention I guess haha. I'm good with them. Of course I should be expecting that some of them would hate me for any reasons. It's okay. But brooo the boys. I only talked to Nazri my former MUET group mate. I want to be friend with other boys too hahaha but I am shy hewhew.
3. I am all I want
I am proud enough of myself. I know everything good happen because maybe my love ones' du'a. You know, I finally realize. I am independent since day one. When I was in Tadika, I walked myself to go to tadika. I am pretty clingy not gonna lie. But many things I'd done by myself. Year 6, I rode motorcycle alone to school. But not in Form 1 until Form 3 because I had my sister there. I managed my matriculation pendaftaran. I used my money to buy references book in SPM era. Now it's matriculation era, semester II, the last time I used my father's money for study here is the transportation fee, the first day of entering KML. Yes I also used my father's money for snacks at bongawan but not in KML tho. hahahha
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