Finally get the time to write.
I didnt expect my life for these 3 weeks are so heavy.
My first week, i cried nearly every single day. I throwed tantrum to stranger that I just know for few days. I get mad easily and I felt so numb, i feel forced to show up, i felt heavy to walk into class, i felt not to talk to people. I was needy, anxious, sad, low. There was the first time I feel like I need company so much. It was the peak loneliness that I experienced. I remember the night I cant sleep until 3, I felt my blood rushing-streaming. I feel my chest like carrying loads.
I feel so heavy
It hurts me,
seeing no Julikha when I get back to my room
seeing none of my close friends (coursemate) on Monday
seeing no one checked up on me on week first.
seeing me being lustful
seeing me being disrespected by boy
seeing me being lost
I met guy on leo. I window-shopped. I overspent. I rented a car. I hangout-ed randomly.
Week 2: Sakura Kenyalang
It was hell tiring, busy, forced, low energy. But I kept the mask well. I just know I can handle everything. the endless "I will figure this out later" "these all gonna end"
but it is okay, my friends are all nice.
Week 3: First week of renting car
I legit go outside almost everyday. I drive, I gain focus, I feel calm. Bring my friends around, hearing their laughs, listening to their dumb stories, the chaos, the ridiculuos, the mess.
It is all helps me. These are the moment, I actually alive, I am in the moment. I am making memories, that keeps me sane.
I hope my friends to receive all good things till death or even hereafter. I hope them being loved well, taken care well, treated well.
I can not express my love through money but just so you know I love each of my friends that lighten up my shoulder, teach me, advise me, lead me, cherish me or whatever it is that makes me appreciate life more.
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